DAYTWO: People in the Houseee

The 14^th of June.

A thick layer of smog surrounds the city.

Swine Flu Status: I felt completely healthy today. Except… at night my throat felt funny, with a slight taste of blood. But this was nothing. I think I’m turning into a hopeful hypochondriac.

Cool Shit I learnt on the Playstation: Chad sucks at putting. Thankyou, Tiger Woods.

Daily Rhyme: Boom boom boom, the radio will play another song… soon soon soon. ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE, I’m so pumped to be in this song! (I know, I know, that was all wrong).

Oh, hi. What’s up dog? Sorry, I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to Bowie. All I’ll say is that the dog has teeth. And it uses them! My arms are shredded. It’s my own fault. She likes to bite my feet more than my arms. They’re like crack to a crackhead, or steak to a lion. She pounces! Ouch! She also eats shoelaces and steals socks.

Today was probably the least eventful. I went to the grocery store with my sister and we loaded up on stuff I wanted to eat. Number one: CHIPS AHOY, HELLZ YEAH. I can’t get enough of that shizz. I practically lived on them in New York last year. I got some Jell-o too. I haven’t tried that yet. You know you can buy cell phones at the supermarket? That confuzzled me. We got some Jamba Juice from next door (I felt like such a noob at being American when I took longer than 3 seconds to decide. GIVE ME SOME TIME DAMNIT!) and then headed to the bookstore. I didn’t get anything (yet) but did lose my sister. We walked around the store about 4 times each before we found each other.

Chad took me to Fry’s Electronics later. All I’ll say is that I’m a bit jealous. It’s like JB Hi-Fi ONE THOUSAND. They all have themes, the stores. This one was Alice in Wonderland. That shit is craz-ee. There were giant cards hanging off the roof, giant character things, giant hedge bushes and more. But mainly I was more annoyed that I could have built a better computer than the one I did for about half the price over here. Damn you, shipping and handling. Chad and I got a few games each (exchange rates! Rad! So it’s lovely and cheap, again) and headed home. There are like 40 checkouts and they all share the same line. You know at supermarkets how there are a few mints and chocolates and magazines next to your lane? This was that, to the X-TREMEEEE. Everyone slowly zombie walks along to the end, past a veritable yellow brick road of sweets. It’s huge.

The most exciting part of my trip so far was up next. Can you believe it, I was going to…

OUTBACK STEAK HOUSE

I might have been paid for that ad.

We went over to pick up Kevin. I hadn’t seen my old pal yet so I was pretty pumped. There’s this song on the radio, I guess it’s called ‘Boom boom boom’ or something, kinda like candy-gangsta style, and it plays about 4 minutes. I think it’s about 4 minutes long. Seriously though, we went into a shop once when it was playing on the radio, came out not long after and it was playing again. WHATTT?! Anyway, there’s this bit where the whole beat drops out and is replaced by this lame drum beat, like you’re tapping on your leg with one finger. It’s like ‘tit. tit. tit. tit.’ And then this woman, at the top of her lungs, yelllllls!

PEOPLEEEE IN THE HOUSEEEEEEE. IF YOU WANNNAAAA GET DOWNNNNN! And so on.

I thought that was so weird, that she was yelling so loud, so then I yelled (in a stunning impersonation):

PEOPLE IN THE HOUSEEEEEEE! I’M SO PUMPED TO BE IN THISS SONGGGGG!

And that was really funny (ha ha) and so now whenever anything happens (anything at all) we yell that and change the second line. And. Well, you know, it’s actually pretty hard describing a personal joke. So I’m gonna stop.

Outback Steak House was pretty weird. Only when I was walking to the door did I think how strange it was that I was going there. There’s signs with koalas and platypuses and pictures of Ayres rock (and one that was definitely supposed to be Ayres rock, or Uluru if you prefer, but it had a big hole in the middle. Like a much bigger rock came by and took a bite) and all sorts of fair dinkum dicky dye rinkum lilly lai lay sayings. The menu was just as good. We got a bloomin’ onion and I got the authenically Australian teriyaki steak. It actually turned out to be delicious. The onion was just an onion, ‘flowered’ you’d have to all it, as in cut in slices from the top down to it all blooms out, and deep fried. Rad!

I wasn’t too hungry, unfortunatey, partly because of my jet lag and partly because I’d been guzzling soda all day. I went to the ‘blokes’ toilets. They’re just like normal toilets but it says blokes on the door. The red backs under the seats. There was ’sheilas’ toilets as well. AWESOME. I felt realy authentic being there actually. I wonder if they were talking about me, back in the kitchen. I had said ‘how yer going, mate’ to the waiter.

We went back home. Chad started playing Tiger Woods and he was pretty terrible at it, to begin with anyway. Sorry Chad. It’s probably because he modelled his character on my sister. We stayed up till about four watching him play.

It was only then that I realised what an amazing opportunity I’d missed. A chance that I might never have again. I felt my stomach sink, and my face drop. I’d passed by my license to kill.

I hadn’t said to anyone ‘YOU BLOODY DRONGOE!’