DAYONE: Like Groundhogs Day But Lamer

The 13^th of June, and the 13^th of June.

A thick layer of smog surrounds the city.

Swine Flu Status: Promising cough on the plane, possible infected sitting nearby. Watch this space.

Cool Shit I learnt on the Discovery Channel: No human can survive in the CORE of JUPITER. WHAT?! Really?! Also, woman on ‘Toughest Women’s Jails’: ‘It’s like I’m in a big cage.’ NO!

Daily Rhyme: I’m watching Deal or No Deal, some guy let out a big squeal, Chad and Hailey can’t help, the dog just let out a yelp. Sorry guys, that was pretty lame. I shall ‘premeditate’ the next one.

Whatup dawgs, I’m just kickin’ it LA style, fo’sho. I speak like that a bit, but today mostly because I’ve been listening to the gangsta radio station. Chad just turned on the ‘World’s Strongest Man Competition’. Where was my invite? The dog is chewing on my shoelaces. Take it easy.

Today has been really long. I went to bed at 4 after handing in some work and playing some games and got up at 5 to catch a plane. I know what you’re thinking. OUCH!! right? Yeah, I was thinking that too. I flew to Melbourne, had a bit of a wait there and then jumped on my just-under-14-hour flight to Los Angeles.

SHITTTTTT!!!!! nearly FOURTEEN HOURS ON A PLANE!!!!!

SHITTTTT!!

I only use profanities for impact. The flight was…alright. Maybe I’m used to it. Maybe I was just so drunk with fatigue and dehydration that it flew right through my delusional head. I had an unpleasant experience on the plane. Whilst waiting to use the Little Boy’s Room an older woman came up and started baby talking to some stranger’s baby. It was gross. What was more gross was that she was OLD and has a great huge BUTT and proceeded to GRIND me into a fine paste against the wall. Did she have no feeling in her derriere? It seems so.

I pretty much shot through customs. Rad. Chad picked me up. My sister was absent. Sleeping, I found. I don’t mind! That’s what I’d be doing. May I say, I landed in Los Angeles just half an hour after I took off from Melbourne. Mad. We headed to Wish Avenue. The dog was happy to see me! I dumped my stuff and then did my WIGGLY FINGERS and SILLY NOISES to get the dog riled up. She is still going nuts, twenty hours later. My arms are covered in bite marks and possibly rabes already. They have a giant beanbag by the way. It was a joke. It’s amazing. It takes up a whole room. I’ll take a picture once my camera charges. I feel it’s the closest I’ll get to my life long dream of having a trampoline room.

We went to IHOP for breakfast. It was like an old friend. Free refills on my drink! I love this place. I had a bacon and egg burger and it was RAD! Hailey was all up in my grill-like, ‘get some breakfast food, puh-lease’ and I said ‘I had two breakfasts and one dinner BUT NO LUNCH SO BACK OFF!’ It wasn’t quite that confrontational.

Later we went to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I thought they were joking. Why is it ONLY when I’m over that they go to B3? It’s like spelunking in there. The building is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. I felt like I should have been sprinkling bread crumbs behind me. Black magic was at work. We made it out eventually, after a near-death experience involving high-shelf pillows. There are so many silly things there. Lettuce Knives? Anywhere-Throws? FABRIC SHAVERS? How do you shave fabric? It looked like a mini-blender / blow torch.

We headed back and I fell asleep on the bean bag, after a lovingly administered mauling from Bowie. So did Hailey. Chad nicked off to the driving range. That’s where you hit golf balls. You don’t actually go driving. He came back and after some more lounging around we headed to a Japanese restaurant. Jingos? Something like that. It was one of those cool barbeque your own food places. I had some beef tongues. DELICIOUS. We came back and have been lounging around since then. I’m gonna get owned by jetlag, I just know it.

I watched the Man vs. Wild episode with Will Ferrell. That was pretty funny. The weather here is nice. It’s covered in the ‘June Gloom’ though. Squirrels are around. I think I’ll train the dog to catch them. They had a squirrel toy at the drug store… wrap its legs in bacon and we’re set. Some disappointing news; it turns out that Chicken and Donuts has closed down. I was finally ready to try it, but it’s gone. Everyone asks me about it. I’ll have to settle on Chicken and Waffles. I better get to bed. I had a couple of glasses of wine with my Sis, you know, just to ease my sleeping. Good drinking habits now = good drinking habits when I’m older.

P.S. IT IS SO ILLEGAL THAT I’M DRINKING!