Sword of the Valiant Movie Review

Wow,
Sword of the Valiant (1984) 0.1/5
I only saw the last twenty minutes or so, but I don’t want to see any more. Sean Connery is the big name in this film. You think they butcher stories now? You should see this. I wanted to wrench my elbows off.

So it’s based on the medieval poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. The poem goes: Arthur is throwing a big feast, this giant Green Knight appears (kinda unclear on what he is, either a ten foot tall knight in green armour who is pretty supernatural, or a ten foot tall man in green armour and hair made of grass etc) and challenges Arthur’s honour. He tells a knight to take a stroke, so Gawain steps up, cuts his head off, but he can still live, right. He says that he gets his own chance in a year, and that Gawain has to find him in the Green Chapel.

Off he goes, pretty much straight away finds this castle where he is entertained and goes hunting for a good many months. This noble woman who lives in the castle keeps trying to get with him. He backs off because he is all chaste and stuff. Eventually he accepts a gift of a scarf or something. He goes to the Chapel on the appointed date. The green knight gets his axe and goes to take the stroke but Gawain flinches. The second time he doesn’t flinch, the Green Knight nicks his neck and that’s all. The Green Knight says ‘har har har you have proven your worth, I nicked you cause you flinched, oh, and it turns that noble lady who was hitting on you was my wife, and I was the castle owner, but you didn’t know ’cause I’m magic and sh*t. So don’t worry Gawain, you’re noble and all. Cya.’

So that’s the poem. I might be a tad off on some tiny details because I haven’t read it in the last 12 hours at least. From what I gathered in the movie, well first of all it’s not Sir Gawain, it’s Miles O’Keefe who couldn’t act his way out of a cardboard box. He looks like a cardboard box, but not as high calibre as say a Metal Gear Solid cardboard box. When I started watching there was a fight going on. No, that doesn’t happen. There’s no fight. Oh, and that woman, she totally wants Gawain. So I was like ’sure, that’s accurate enough.’ Anyway, he kills all these randoms. May I say the other guys are wearing bright red and silver plate mail. Nope, didn’t happen. Oh and Gawain is in this golden armour, with whats supposed to be a lance except its blunt and lame, and he throws it at someone off screen for no reason. And then he draws his sword and you see it bend all the way over, because it’s rubber. And they keep putting on that lame 1980s camelot shine on all the armour. The same kind they use for candles in the Bold and the Beautiful.

Anyway, so at the end of this battle the Green Knight just appears and shows himself. That’s Sean Connery, and that doesn’t happen either. ‘Come with me, lad.’ By the way, when Gawain is talking to his friends there’s a green light reflected in his armour. You can pretty clearly see the reflection of a dude with a spotlight. Good one.

So they get into the Green Chapel, which is pretty random cause it’s not really like the poem. And Sean is dressed in a big raggedy fur coat with huge hair and antlers by the way. So yeah, he takes the swipe, but he flinches. So he goes again and nicks his neck.

So, pretty clear that the Green Knight spared him right? Apparently not to Mr. Box O’Keefe, because he goes ‘oh, you clearly nicked me on purpose bitch, I’m done playing your game, now it’s time to play mine.’ So he stabs him! Right in the gut. Oh, what’s that I hear? The dude who can HAVE HIS HEAD CHOPPED OFF can’t take a light blow to his heavily armoured stomach with a rubber sword? Yeah, wtf. So he dies, and says some bullshit about the seasons going full swing, which was never in the poem. Oh, and gawain realises the answer to a riddle the knight gave him. And looks at the camera, face like a guppy, for a full minute. There was no bullshit riddle in the poem. And he just killed a supernatural knight who spared his life. And feels no remorse. Good one. He’s pretty pleased actually.

So he goes outside, and, ‘awww sh*t, there’s my castle bitch’ and she’s all like ‘I love you, touch my cheek’, so he palms her.., no just kidding, he touches her cheek, and shes like ‘I gotta go, cya’ and he’s like ‘I won’t leave you,’ THEN SHE TURNS INTO A BIRD WTF AND FLIES OFF. Sh*t. And there’s some jewel on the ground, probably significant, that disappears too. So it turns out she wasn’t the knight’s wife and the knight didn’t run the castle. Good work, retards. Oh, and straight after that it freezes on his stupid face.

And did I mention his hair? Okay, let me give you some examples. Sorry about the sheer amount, but this is too good of an opportunity to pass up. He does better faces than George Bush.





How does keep it under the helmet?




My personal favourite:

Come to think of it, he looks a bit like Stifler.