Death with a Hardling

A story I wrote on the plane coming back from NZ the other day. Bit rough, please enjoy.

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The thud was sudden and jarring, and the turbulence after. The high-flying albatross that hit the plane was an outlier, but one still important enough to impact the results of Mr. Hardling’s life. In the case of this unlikely emergency a bundle of informative pamphlets popped down on bungee strings from above. He opened the first one. It simply said;

NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO ASSUME THE EMERGENCY BRACE POSITION

Underneath, in small print, please purchase the informative document ‘How to assume emergency brace position’ from your nearest flight attendant. RRP $2.00. Please ready correct change.

He reached for the next one. It was a pre-disaster insurance claimant’s form. An expecter rather than a preventer. There was more turbulence, and his stomach seemed to be dripping through his ears and nose as the plane began to lose altitude. Hubert was a nervous but methodical man.

‘No pen… no pen.’ He searched his pockets and bag. He found one in the front pocket of his bag. He peeped over his seat to see what the rest of the plane was doing. It was noisy, you understand. A fight had erupted over stationery.

He popped back down and filled in his surname and given names, in block letters and blue or black pen.

HARDLING

HUBERT FRANTELLE

His parents thought they were being rather fashionable with that one. The old woman next to him was praying, and the child having a grand old time. He popped his eyes over the seat again after hearing the scream and shout. It seemed that one of the brawlers had a pen protruding from his eye. He pulled it out and began frantically writing. The other fighter stopped gloating, took the time to notice and began throwing punches once more. It was rather bloody.

‘Insurance supplier…’

UNLIKELIHOOD pty ltd

There was a mighty tearing noise behind him as the back seats ripped out. It seemed that the manoeuvre to avoid further outliers had merely driven them into the pack. A flock of albatrosses can make an awful mess. More screams. The wind was doing terrible things to his comb-over. A pamphlet flew from the front of the plane, latched to his face for a moment and nearly knocked his glasses off. He steadied them on his head. More tearing. The old lady had passed out.

‘Likely cause of death.’ He began to write ‘Falling from a great height,’ but crossed it out and wrote

IMPACT

Another pamphlet popped down.

A TREE DIED TO BRING YOU THIS PAMPHLET.

He put his filled in form back on its cord and gave it a tug. Up it went. The noise was unbearable by now. He responsibly took the child’s form next to him and began to fill it out.

‘What’s your na—–‘

Hubert Frantelle Hardling was torn from the plane and died soon after.

ToBeContinued

I have a rough idea for a story afterwards wherein Hubert’s son, Timbert, receives the contents of his will. Perhaps hilarity will ensue.